Early Professional Days

During my early professional days, I had a blast at my Corporate America job.  It was amazing to me that drinking was highly encouraged by your bosses and colleagues. I had hoped that getting a 'real' job would cause me to not have to drink much, but boy was I wrong.  I had a great time partying and became much of a socialite during that time.  I had worked hard to get this job by interning at two separate Fortune 500 firms. A friend of mine was the booking agent for a really high profile modeling agency and she said they needed someone with my bi-racial look.  I was never really the girly-girl and kept turning it down, until she told me how much I'd make, at which time, I was in!  I made over $1000 for a couple days work and doing what...modeling for Famous Bar. I then landed tons of gigs from all sorts of companies like Dillards, Tiffany & Co, Anheuser Busch and so many more. I made so much money doing modeling, it was a great time and I was blessed to have come across the opportunity.  It wasn't long after I got out of college and was having a blast with my Corporate friends, doing modeling on the side, playing sports in my spare time, that I met my 7 year long relationship mate. This guy was several years older and a very talented musician.  Of course, I should have seen the writing on the wall, but as all young 22 year old girls, you see what you want to see. I was in love. We started dating and our rocky relationship lasted for 6 years until we got married and divorced a year later.  We both had our faults, but one thing I can not live with is being married to an unfaithful man.  I did not want to have kids with him because I knew I was going to be a single mother. He truly brought out the worst in me and I really became someone I really didn't like.  Our ups and downs were fun and exciting and then often detrimental, but we stuck it out. We did have some sort of spark that just kept us going.  I will always care for him, but I don't want to be with him.  He is the sort of man that will wake up one day when he is very old and alone and wonder why...but as he said once 'I know I'm going to hell, but at least I'm having fun getting there.' (to a woman he was seeing behind my back) But I learned, I grew and during my time with him, I started attending church. A wonderful urban church that just spoke to me. The words just reached into my heart and touched me in the way that I felt like the Pastor was speaking right to me.  I was blown away. I had never heard scripture this way.  Could this truly be church...am I really understanding the word of God, for the first time ever.  I loved it and after our divorce, my ex even went and was also taken back by how he felt they were talking right to him as he heard the sermon about adultery.  I wanted to become a member of this sort of church...one on my level. I did start the membership class, but of course my social life was always at the forefront of my to-dos and Church, as it always has done, and it fell by the wayside.

My Upbringing

Who am I? Where did I come from? Well, my mother is Asian and a Buddhist who describes her religion as 'out of fear', and my father is Caucasian and an Atheist because he was a preacher's kid and his father didn't practice what he preached. Growing up, I try to remember my upbringing and when I remember going to church, I honestly can't remember much in the early days. I'm mid 30's now and my first memory of church was when I was around 5 years old. I remember attending a church and a van would come to our house to pick me and my brother up every Sunday. I remember being Mary in the Christmas play and my brother was Joseph. I have no idea who introduced us to church or what church we went to, but that is my small bit of a memory regarding that time. My first regular stint of church when I was in second grade when I lived with my Grandmother. My dad was in the service and my parents had already gotten divorced by this point. My dad had custody of us and he did not want my mom to have any control or rights when it came to us. Being from another country and because she wasn't exactly a Saint, there wasn't much she could do when it came to us. My Grandmother was a Methodist and since my brother and I were living with her, she took us with her to Church. Like I said, I don't remember much, but I have seen a lot of pictures. When my dad returned six months later, he got stationed down in Texas and off we went. Somehow, my dad and mom decided to give it another try and so they got married. My personal belief is that my dad forced her by using me and my brother as bait saying she'd never see us again and that she'd go to jail for throwing an aerosol can at my brother's head and sending him to the hospital. Of course, my brother and I constantly heard them screaming and fighting. We witnessed my dad burn all of my mom's bowling shirts and patches, as well as other things. My dad felt that she should obey him and that was that. Needless to say, they got divorced for the second time and off she want. Again, my dad received custody. They ended up getting married for a third time and were split within 6 hours and divorced a short time after.

My brother was in the boy scouts and some of their meetings were at a church. So my brother and I started going. I believe it was a baptist church, but quite honestly I can't remember. The nice thing was that we lived across the street so it was really easy for us to cross and attend. I do remember going, being around other kids, and I even remember being baptized by being submerged in a blue baby pool. By the time I was mid-6th grade, my father had remarried and he decided to leave the military which caused us to move back to my Grandmother's hometown in Illinois. It was a small town and once we moved, my brother and I started attending church with my Grandmother. We had a lot of fun with Sunday School, church picnics, and of course all of the church camps. We went on mission trips, drove hundreds of miles to church camps, and did a lot with our family at church. I remember when I was in jr high school, I asked my dad why he didn't go to church and he said. I'll step foot in church one time in my life and that will be your wedding. During 8th grade, I went through confirmation and was baptized for a second time (sprinkling). When I was a freshman, I got my first real boyfriend and he was catholic. I attended 4 years of Saturday catholic mass and then would attend Sunday morning Methodist church. I was urged to convert to Catholicism when I was nearing graduation and I did take a serious thought to it but at that point, I really didn't know if I was going to marry my boyfriend. Up to this point, I was definitely a Christian, but I don't really think I really knew what the true meaning of that was. I hadn't read the bible on a regular basis and I always questioned why my clothes weren't good enough for church. I enjoyed the services, but I don't really know for sure if they reached me.

My Journey to Salvation

This blog is my online journal of my road to salvation. I would describe myself as a person who has been pretty blessed in life. I have had my share of hardships, but I have many things to be thankful for. One thing that I know has been missing in my life is a strong relationship with God. Up to this point, I have lived a pretty selfish life and sin has definitely been something sprinkled throughout my activities. I do feel that I am a good person and I have done my very best to live life by all the rules and do everything I can with a good and honest heart. However, sometimes it is easier said than done and if we all take a step back and evaluate our lives, can we justify the sinful things we've done. Do we make excuses on why things went the way they did. I want this journal to be a blunt account of my true feelings, upbringing, and my journey to working on my relationship with God. The reason why this blog is anonymous is because ALL of us who write blogs typically write them knowing that there will be an audience, and hence we tend to write things a bit differently than we would if no one were reading. I feel that journaling is truly a gift that many of us do not take advantage of. I would have loved to read journals from my parents, grandparents, or ancestors to get to know them by reading their true thoughts and self stories. I can't say I have been very good at keeping journals, in fact, I really haven't kept one up until this point. However, something has changed in me and I know once I start this, I'm going to keep at it and continue to write in this journal until it is completed. I welcome anyone who wants to follow along and most likely, you too, can relate to needing to work on your relationship with God OR YOUR GOD. I wish all of you the best of luck in your own searches to salvation and please pray for me as I work on mine.