Born Again

The day of Tony and my baptism happened yesterday and it was a truly amazing experience. I was scared, excited, and not sure how to feel all at the same time.  I was worried about my family and friends showing up for the event and if they'd find me and the seats that I've reserved.  I got most of them to their seats and Tony and I were on our way to get ready. We brought shorts and a change of clothes. They gave us shirts that said "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20.  We wore them proudly and went to sit in the congregation.  The service was the most emotional for me thus far, next to my first day in church.  They had the most inspiring service from the music, to a video of God role playing with a man, to 10 testimonials to the study of the scripture.  I was doing really good in not being emotional, but of course that was quickly changed.  The video of the role play was dear to my heart. One man played God and the other played a guy who tries to control his relationship with God. The dialogue was inspiring and powerful because it is how all of us think and ultimately, we are scared of what we all have inside of us because we are ashamed of some things we are hiding or that we've done.  But God chooses us and he chisels us away to we can be his masterpiece.  The man playing God had his chisel and hammer pretending to chisel away at the sins of the man.  Things like 'lust, greed, control freak, anger, etc' and the man wants to be a masterpiece and says 'okay, I'm ready, but just be aware of what you are going to find in there..I'm not worthy' and God explains that he made him a masterpiece and all things he creates is perfect in his eyes, but we have to work for perfection.  It touched my heart and of course I cried. Although, I know they were just role playing and it was acting, but seriously, the man's crackled voice exclaiming he is ready to put his sins out there, was so compelling.  The service continued with an amazing solo by a girl singing Natalie Grants song. If the song wasn't inpact-ful enough, what happened next started my water works a flowing. Ten people came out to give their testimonial and forgive me because I am actually tearing up as I'm writing this.  The first woman came out holding a huge white posterboard that said 'Abandoned at Age 8, lost, felt unloved' and then at the bottom said 'found God, the church is my family'. I got the largest lump in my throat (I'm actually getting one now) and it touched my heart. I weeped loudly and Tony grabbed my hand. She walked down off the stage, turned her posterboard around and her gigantic picture appeared, she hung it on a rack and walked away. There her picture say and stared at us. Nine more people walked out with boards saying 'Addicted to Porn, sex addict' to 'Control freak, verbally abusive, always right' to 'Party lifestyle, binge drinking' to 'Bi-racial, hard life' and all of their bottom portions of their poster boards said 'Forgiven' 'Accepted by God' 'Found Jesus', etc. and I weeped more and more while they came out and put their pictures up.  The sermon was about Saul, a Christian killer who was chosen, baptized, and became the Apostle Paul and how it was relevant to baptisms.  As the Pastor was speaking, he said that Saul was to stand up and be baptized and how it didn't mean that he needed to prepare, or work on being a better person, or start reading the bible...it was all about being saved today and starting a new life today.  That God had chosen all of us and no matter what dark secrets and sins we hold onto, what is stopping us from being reborn as Christians.  That was our cue to stand up and walk towards the baptismal.  So the 7 or 8 of us did.  As we walked, the Pastor said that it is just like that and he welcomed others to do the same.  Almost 20 more (don't quote me on the number), came forward without being prepared and with no worries. They walked forward and got baptized along with us.  I was the first to go and felt compelled to be a leader. I really don't know how to explain it. I walked into the warm water and the Pastor said some things, I repeated my confession and I was dunked under water and pulled back up again.  He hugged me and everyone cheered.  Tony went next and I did not feel immediately different or that a weight had been lifted. Tony said he felt a weight was lifted in him and even my grandmother who watched said 'don't you feel that a weight has been lifted', but I did not feel that at all.  What does this mean? Should I have felt something, do I feel bad for this, why didn't I.  I feel that there is real work that needs to be done.  That I have a lot of things I need to work on. I felt that I have a bigger purpose in life and that to get there is through the salvation of God. I feel the weight is here nor there. That I feel reborn, I feel happy, I feel excited, but most of all, I feel READY to begin my journey. To work on my relationship with God, but more importantly to work on letting God chisel away at my sins so I can become his Masterpiece.

The Music Moves Me

There is something about Christian music that just moves me.  I have always been a fan of it and I can remember when I was in junior high, my Aunt made me some mixed tapes of various artists namely Amy Grant and Micheal W. Smith.  I played those tapes over and over again. I knew all the songs and even today and throughout the last 20 years, I still remember El Shadai from Amy Grant, as well as Friends by Micheal W. Smith.  I have played both on guitar and I probably will never forget them.  Music has been a big part of my life.  I was never a big singer, but I had played the saxophone and violin for 6 years each in my high school years.  After college, I met a musician who I was with for 7 years and married for one of those years. With the band lifestyle came all that they say about bands and unfortunately, it is very hard to see the truth about things from the inside.  Although our life was filled with fun, we had a horrible relationship. We did have great times, but we had some pretty low moments too. We just were not right for each other and as much as we tried, we were just two puzzle pieces meant for two different puzzles.  He was not a faithful partner and he never ever put me first.  He brought out the worst in me and I truly became something I didn't like. But years has gone by and when I look back, I do know there were many good things that came out of my marriage with the Musician. I realized that I know what I need and want.  I also realized that I am good enough to be #1 in someone's life.  Because of relationships formed via the Musician, I met my current husband who was and is an angel sent from heaven to save me from a bad path I was going down.  The other thing about the Musician, is that he bought me my first guitar as well as brought me to love music more than I thought.  I have a deeper appreciation of music and I learned a lot about it too.  I took lessons early on and have played for several years now. Although, I'm not the greatest, I can carry a tune and I know I will improve over time. The Musician was not a big fan of my growth in learning guitar and/or singing.  He was not supportive because he has always needed the spotlight.  I think this hurt me deeper than he'll ever realize but it has really made me want to prove that my efforts are far more rewarding than the acceptance and support from him.  We are friends today and I know what his life will end up like and yes, I do feel sorry for him.  He has pretty much had the same pattern with every relationship he has ever had.  I was just one that he married.  All were long lasting relationships, all he left for someone new, all he was not faithful, all had the same remarks and comments, and all really it never really mattered what the girl wanted because it will and always will be about what the Musician wants.  He can be a great guy, but not to the person who should be a top priority (after God, of course).  That's okay.  It was hard, but I left that situation because I have a lot to offer someone and I know that there would be someone who appreciated me for me. Luckily God was watching over me and led me to Tony, who is wonderful beyond explanation and I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove to Tony and God that I deserve such a perfect person for me. When I walked into the new church, the music took my breath away. It has been over 15 years since I had listened to Christian music. I think the only song I've heard is Josh Groban's 'You Raise Me Up' which I love.  The instant I heard the music, I had the urge to sing.  I am NOT a great singer, but at least I try, right?  The music moves me and the words are just amazing.  My friend from Church told me about a radio station called JoyFM.  I was hesitant because I'm a loyal listener of my current station of modern pop music. I really did not want to change, but I had this intriguing sense to just check it out.  Within 12 hours, I was hooked and listening non-stop, downloading Pandora radio, checking out concerts, buying some CDs, and now I just can't wait to find time to write a song or two.  Isn't it amazing how there is a genre of music dedicated to one person. Every song created is all about God, our love for God, our salvation, and anything to do with God.  Amazing. Do you think that would get tiring or old, but it never does.  It is peaceful and good. I love it and I am excited to dive into Christian music. With less than a week into it, I feel like it's home.

My Grandma's Revelation

My Grandma has been a religious figure in my life since I was born.  I knew she was a minister's wife, although they divorced years ago.  She attended Church every Sunday and I can still picture her with the red robe she wore for the choir. She was always great at praying and it is amazing how these past few years I've noticed even more how she is the designated prayer at all of the weddings, family gatherings, events, etc. And she is really good!  I don't think I have ever prayed out loud before and not on behalf of a large group.  I have a feeling that this will become something I'll be doing at some point and I will make sure I pay more attention when my Granny is praying. We had her 80th birthday party last weekend and I decided that it would be a great time to fill her in on our new church and plans for baptism.  When I told her, she said 'Oh, I am just so thrilled, this has truly made my day' and she weeped.  Then when I told her we were attending a Christian church, she was even more excited.  Realize that I have always thought that Methodist was my Grandma's religion by choice, but she shared that she has been searching for a Christian church, but they don't have one in the small town of hers. So she goes to the Methodist Church because it is the closest in her mind to a Christian Church, although there are few things that she doesn't agree with. She loves the Church and she has been a faithful servant her entire adult life. Some of the things she was saying about how they baptize (sprinkling the babies) and a few other things aren't in line with the bible.  I was really amazed and happy to hear her views and thoughts. I will always think super highly of the Methodist Church that I grew up in, but it is quite interesting to hear her say this stuff about a Christian Church versus a Methodist one. I had to explain to Tony the difference between Christian Churches, Protestant, and Catholic. It was actually quite hard, but I finally was able to paint a good picture.  Christian churches follow the bible and have not added their own traditions. Back in the early days the Churches tended to be either Protestant or Catholic in the bible religions.  The trend lately has been for churches to get back to the original motive and before there were all of these different types of religions. It focuses on the bible and I definitely like that. So it was a great birthday for my Granny and she plans to drive a couple hours to watch us get baptized. Out of anyone in my life, I know it means more to her and prouder than anyone else. I couldn't be more thrilled.

Being Baptized

We learned in the process of becoming a member that you had to be baptized by submersion in this church to officially become a member.  There are other criteria to do, but one of the 6 or 7 areas is being baptized.  Tony was baptized as a baby in the Catholic church with sprinkling of water on the head.  I remember having the same sprinkling done for me, I think, when I was young in the Methodist Church and then when I was about 8 or 9 in a Baptist Church by submersion.  Then I was confirmed in 8th grade in the Methodist Church.  I enjoyed going to Church on Sundays for Sunday School, going to many mission/church camps, but I know that I believed in God, but he wasn't number 1 for me.  We also realized that by being baptized in this new church, that it would be during service in front of everyone.  We were both amazed, but ultimately, we were okay with it.  This church does something every year called D-Day which means Decision Day.  A chance for you to decide on various things you've been praying on or trying to make a decision.  When talking to my friend at Church, I asked her when Tony and I should get baptized and she said, 'what about D-Day' and honestly, it just felt right.  It was a couple weeks away and seemed almost appropriate. Tony agreed and when the Associate Pastor called to confirm a date of baptism, I told him D-Day and he was thrilled.  We haven't exclaimed it to the world that we are getting baptized and we do feel that it should be more of a private thing...but to those who we have let know about our new church and even about us being baptized, we did send them an invite for come support us and for lunch after wards.  We realize that religion is such a controversial subject and honestly, some people don't even want to talk about it.  Others, they are set in their ways and if you don't feel the same way they do, it is hard for them to be supportive. The issue that seems to be prevalent is that Tony is Catholic and was baptized as a baby by sprinkling of water.  However, according to the bible, a true baptism is by submersion into water.  I do believe this and I do see the metaphoric meaning behind it.  All of us on earth are sinners and we are dead, but when we take Christ into our hearts, we become alive again.  A baptism via submersion is an outward signification of a rebirth into a life of Christ.  When you go under the water, you are dead, but when you come out of the water...you are reborn and you are now truly alive.  There is word to be done to be a true Christian, but this is the beginning of the beginning. Now, this is how I see it and honestly I got chills writing it.  I know that some of Tony's family may not agree with his decision to get baptized because they say 'well, he already is baptized', but I want to say 'but what Church has he been going to' 'what Church do you go to' 'do you practice being Catholic?' 'has Tony gone to Church since he was in high school' and there is so much more that comes to my mind.  Am I being a bit defensive...certainly...should I give them grace....probably.  But it is so hard because religion is so controversial. I was baptized, I think twice.  One by sprinkling and one by submersion. That doesn't mean I'm a Christian.  Yes, I have prayed almost every day of my life, but that doesn't mean I am a Christian either.  When they say in the bible that you take off your old clothes and put on your new clothes daily when you become a true believer and follower of Christ, I believe it. Tony and I both think about that almost every day now.  When we want to lash out at someone cutting us off in traffic or something doesn't go our way...we think 'put off our old clothes' meaning put off your old ways of buying into sin and 'put on your new clothes' of seeing things through the eyes of God and giving grace or having patience, etc.  Just imagine if we all did that, the world would be a happier place. My point is that the decision for Tony to do this is 100% his own free will.  I have not made him feel obligated to attend church, to buy the bible he intently researched and couldn't wait to arrive, to attend the starting class, to be baptized...honestly, he got me through some of my issues. I was almost not sure how to feel and he comforted me by having his own faith that this feels right.  We have been a bit lost and now we want to be found.  We have an amazing life already, but we know we are truly blessed by God for all of these things.  Now it is time to embrace our true calling to live a life of Christ. Not when we pick and choose, but every day, all day. To be better at husband and wife. To be better parents. To be better works. To be better children. To serve God and give talents freely. To really believe that he is #1. To strive for righteousness all the rest of our days. I'm ready, how about you? So this Sunday, we are set for baptism. I'm scared, excited, and ready!

Becoming a Member

It was not a hard decision to become a member, but this church does not make being a Christian easy for us.  We admired that because we both believe it is true. It should not be easy being a Christian.  We know that sin is everywhere and that we all are sinners, and live in a world of temptations.  When someone says 'what are your sins', I know I can think of a laundry list of sins that I commit on a daily basis.  Most of them are those habit forming things like exaggerating facts or gossiping or taking a friendship/relationship for granted.  I know I have so much to work on and I know whoever is reading this, no matter how much time has passed since this was written, if you are true to yourself, you too, have a laundry list. But that is okay, because there is a solution to sin, there is something we can do to help us overcome our challenges and our sins.  I know that praying every day is not enough and I do have to say that I have tried my damnedest to be the best person I can be my entire life, as well as help people where I can. But that doesn't mean that I get a free pass to heaven. I've always known there was more I can do to be a better Christian.  Joining a church is one of those.  Tithing is always been a question mark to me and a big sacrifice and Tony is having a hard time with this concept as well.  Although, I do feel that we don't have to go all in at first with tithing, that we can grow and give more as we learn and mature as Christians.  This church is everything we were both looking for and everything we've learned in a couple months has made us better Christians already and to want to do more for ourselves, but mainly for God.  I know I have not put God first in my life, probably ever.  I know that. But do I rely on him every day when I pray - you betcha. Is that fair to him for me to pick and choose when I want him or need him.  Absolutely not...to be a Christian is not picking and choosing. It is all or nothing.  We also realize that once you go all in...you must stay all in.  We talked and we are both ready to become members of this church because it is the next step to working on our relationship with God.  With becoming a member, we can serve, tithe, help the church grow, join a small group, and so much more.  The other thing is that we want our kids to have a good foundation for being a Christian and it will be our hope that they will willingly accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior and want the life of Christ. It has taken me over 30 years to get to this point and we just keep saying...'What are we waiting for' and I do believe that the time is now.

The Walk of Shame

In our new church, they don't make it easy to become a member. It isn't that you need to just sign a piece of paper or have a confidential meeting and discuss how to become a member. It is publicly through the entire congregation.  One hand, it scares me to absolute death, that we have to do things in front of others, but on the other hand, it is amazing because I do agree that being a Christian should not be easy.  Every week that we've gone, we leave the service with a new action item on how we can improve and become better Christians.  We have several reasons why this Church doesn't seem like a place we should join mainly because it is in a city we are trying to move away from and remains over an hour for me to work.  But all of those wrong reasons beckons for all the right reasons to overcome our excuses and join because we are called to do so.  Fate truly brought me to this Church and I know that God has everything to do with all the signs and real reasons why we are here today.  This church has every quality that I've been looking for in a church and I have no good reason why we shouldn't join.  I wanted to make sure Tony was on board, but honestly, I never imagined he would be as excited, if not more, than me.  For being a catholic boy, I really thought he would have a lot to battle.  Quite contrary to my thoughts, every time we attend, that inner light shines brighter that this is what he unconsciously has been searching for but didn't even know it.  All the things he felt were what it meant to believe in God were all confirmed in a month long period and some go against all that he ever knew before.  They had a membership class that we decided to take which lasted four weeks.  I am telling you that the first day really taught me so much about God, Jesus, the Holy Ghost and so much about what it means to be a Christian.  For the four weeks we attended, we were enlightened and our dialogue when we left was on a deeper level when it came to us contemplating membership with this church.  One saying stuck out in our minds 'what are we waiting for' and honestly, we could not answer that question. The reasons that we had about moving, just didn't seem that important suddenly.  At the end of the class, the Associate Pastor told us that if we were ready to become members, we had to walk in front of everyone during service and give them a testimony on what we wanted.   Tony and I were saying to each other 'OMG! We have to do what?!?'  To me, it felt like the walk of shame, and really it sort of feels that way too - an outward sign that we believe we are sinners and are ready to be saved...could we do it?  Would we do it?  And that very next week, we decided as a couple that we'd do it.  But, then we heard that the normal Pastor would not be there and a guest pastor, from another church, would be speaking, so we said 'we'll wait'.  When we were in service that next week, the Pastor was there, he just wasn't doing the main sermon and we were a bit confused. I was thinking 'I didn't prepare'...'what would we say'...'I was going to try really hard not to cry'...'one of the old executives from my past employer was there who is really intimidating - he knew me back in my party days' and then at end of the sermon, a gigantic cross came before us and they invited everyone to come down and kneel and pray.  Many of our friends did, my old colleague, did and Tony and I looked at each other and said 'should we' and I said 'yes.' I was already bawling.  Then we got up there and we were on the wrong side of the church. We needed to be on the other side to give our testimony to the Pastor...and so we beelined it to the other side and did our walk of 'shame', but I was proud and I was ready and I knew it was the right time.  We talked to a decision counselor and we took that next step.

God is All Around Us

Have you ever bought a new car and all of a sudden, you notice that your same exact car is everywhere. Why wasn't it that you noticed this before...why didn't you realize there were 10,000 cars the same as the one you just purchased.  I guess you would call that self awareness, but that is the way I feel about God.  Of course I knew he was all around us, but now that I've started working on my relationship with God again, I just keep noticing that he is everywhere.  That so many of my friends and loved ones are already on it when it comes to God. Even one of our hall of famer city baseball players talks about how God gives him the strength and aptitude and talent. I love it..so encouraging. The company I work for has several people who are faith people from my bosses who own the company to our HR Manager to about 15 other people who I've talked to about God.  Have you ever received an email about God and have too much pride to send it out or forward it on.  I guess I fell into that category for a while and not because I didn't believe it or it didn't touch my heart, but perhaps I would wonder what friends/loved ones would think. I have realized that in the past two months, I have talked, shared, been excited about God more than I ever have been before.  I read my bible proudly in public, I talk to friends who aren't into religion about God and my new found path, and I've had no problem mentioning it to my woman's organization.  Then I always get affirmation by others and see what others are doing or inspire others. It is a true blessing to me to feel that it is true that we do have brothers and sisters in Christ. It does feel family oriented and welcoming.  I am not scared anymore and it just makes me want to be better at it and take it seriously.  God is all around us and I do love the quote by Albert Einstein, "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." I do feel that everything is a miracle from just a safe trip to work to getting that raise to being blessed with a child. I want to take on that mantra and really see things through that view point. Just think that if I did, how can I not be positive each and every single day.

I Need My Bible

Since I was starting to go to church again, I wanted to also start reading the bible. I can honestly admit that I'm not much of a reader. I love listening and I take in so much more that way, but reading can seem tedious to me.  I do, however, love a good book from time to time. I guess more so that I have a lack of time that makes me feel reading isn't a top priority. I can say that I've never really read the bible. I have had several over the years, but I can't say I've sat down on a routine basis and really read it.  I'm sure I had to read passages as a kid, or even in church camp, I probably read more then.  I did read in 2006 for a few months, but it ended. I had this urge to get my bible and be dedicated to learning more about it.  My boss had given me a bible the first month that I started. It was an NIV Application bible that I did read for a small time, but it was packed away in the move.  So I went downstairs and started digging through boxes and bins.  I was so desperately wanting to find my bible and not have to go out and buy another one, although I would have.  I opened one box and I thought to myself 'yay, I found it', but to my surprise and amazement, it was a bible that my step-dad had given me the Christmas before he died of Cancer. It felt so good to see that bible and it felt perfect for me to use this as my 2011 go-to bible.  It was meant to be!  What is amazing to me is that it is an NIV bible and if I remember correctly, my step-dad was Catholic, so how perfect that he bought me one that related to me. Of course, it still had the paper wrapper and I don't think I ever read a single line.  Knowing myself, I needed something more that just the bible. I needed to hear it and with technology, there had to be some good, free apps on my iPad that I could find.  I was searching and found some apps where you actually have to read it and I found a few that read it to you, but then low and behold, The Daily Audio Bible.  A journey through the entire bible in one solid year. I was so excited to find this and although it was January 17th, I was determined to catch up. I downloaded every single podcast for the 17 days I missed and started listening. I would then read, via their reading guide, the scripture that I had just heard.  An absolute blessing to find this fellowship and I can tell you that I love it!  My goal wasn't to really understand the bible in its entirety. My goal was to read it, listen to it, and get familiar with it.  I know from setting goals that you have to make them realistic or else you'll fail before you start. So I just want to get to know the bible...hear what it is about and then next year dive more into it.  What I was amazed about and excuse my ignorance, but the bible is not a pure, all is good, everyone in the bible are saints, type of book. To my amazement, the bible is an Epic story, that has good, bad, ugly, and so much more in it that I could have ever imagined.  I will say that for a lifetime of hearing bits of pieces of bible scripture from seeing the movie Year One (a pun type movie) to seeing Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat to just knowing some of the bible verses, it was all coming together for me. Finally, I was really getting it all for the first time in my life.  All of these instances where I had heard things were coming to life as I was hearing/reading it all in the bible.  A book I've had with me my entire life, but never took the time to read. Wow!  I'm blessed for my new adventure into the best book ever written.

It's Time to Go to Church

It was Christmas time and my friend had invited us to go watch her sing at church.  We decided sure, Christmas Sunday, why not?  But, of course we were tempted by sleeping in and a late night before to miss and we didn't end up going.  Tony said he was worried that he's go up in flames if he walked into the church and I think there was a bit of seriousness in his plea. But something just called out to me that it was time, that we had to rid our excuses and just go. So the first Sunday of the New Year 2011, we decided to go.  My friend said she'd be singing and at the time, that was my biggest motivation.  Tony was worried about the childcare and of course I was a bit too, but I was also excited that they even offered it, so that was another nice motivating factor about this church. The final thing was it was seriously within a mile or so of our house.  We hmmmed and hawed all morning and were running late as usual. We had a few moments where we thought about not going, but when it came down to it. I said 'let's go' and so we jumped in the car and drove to the church. Tony was extra pleased at how close it was.  We walked in and the minuted we walked through the doors my eyes started to well up. OMG! We are here...we are in a church...OMG...can I do this...does this feel right...I'm not sure about this and so many more thoughts were going through my head. Tony, was Catholic, and for me having him there was a true blessing and I think it made me feel so emotional.  We didn't know where anything was and had to ask where the nursery was. We were instantly greeted and helped. We walked to the nursery and as I looked around I just thought, wow, this is cool. So many people, a nice set-up, so inviting.  We got to the nursery and quickly, people spotted us as newbies and helped us get our baby girl checked in. I loved the computer check-in system and we received tags for check-out.  Baby girl never goes willingly from my sight, but she did, she went right to the nursery girls. It was amazing to me and it was a sign that it was going to be just fine.  We found our way to the sanctuary and received a bulletin.  We entered and the lights, the music playing, all the people, I was instantly exhilarated, but so darn scared at the same time.  My emotions were on high alert and waterworks were going to start to fall any minute. What was I supposed to do...but just go with it.  Tony had my hand is his and we walked to the very back seats and sat down.  I started to cry as I looked up and saw my friend singing on stage. She looked radiant and the electric guitar, the violen, the drums, and the guy singing with is acoustic guitar...I thought I love it!  The lights were set perfectly with well thought out decor, the room was dimmed and the buzz of the music was very beautiful. There were 4 sections of seats, all individual, with about 20 rows deep.  Seeing people in jeans gave me comfort and seeing couples with their arms around them gave me joy.  It felt right, but why was I a mess. Why was I crying my eyes out?  It was because I knew this felt right and with Tony holding my hand in his and him being there with me - it was perfect. The songs they sang I wanted to join in and sing, but I was scared.  Will people wonder why that new girl is singing?  Will I sound bad?  I don't even know the songs, but I felt like I could sing them just fine.  After the music, they did communion and offering. The communion tray was the exact same one we had at my church growing up with the tiny cups of grape juice and tiny pieces of cracker bread. It brought peace and for me, it was another sign we were in the right spot.  The sermon began and I think Tony and I were in absolute awe with everything. All that the pastor was saying related to us and it was almost if he knew we were there and was speaking right to us.  Tony and just kept our embraced hands and I bawled my eyes out in joy that he was there with me. I leaned over and said 'I need a tissue' and almost the same time I said, I looked up and saw a thing of tissues in the seat directly in front of me.  I grabbed and started to wipe my tears away, but they just kept coming.  It was probably the most emotional I've been since my baby girl was born.  Tony leaned over and said 'see it was meant to be'.  When the sermon was over, the songs started up and again I saw my friend singing as the main singer and I loved it.  It just felt as if everything was purposely in the right spot so we felt comfortable.  I think when Tony and I walked out after getting baby girl, we were speechless and we didn't even have to say a word. We both knew it felt perfect!

I'll Go to Church When I Have Kids

It is amazing how we all say things like 'I'll do something...when blah blah blah happens'. I know we all do it and I'm not sure if it is a procrastination thing or if we really plan to do something but just know the timing isn't right.  I always told myself that I'd start going to church again once I started having kids.  Tony and I had talked about finding a church once we moved too.  So we had two things that we were waiting on.  Our house was on the market and never sold and although I was disappointed, I wasn't heartbroken. I was driving over an hour and 20 minutes to work, but I wasn't heartbroken. Why was that?  Well, I'll tell you...because we found a church that we fell in love with.  A new friend of mine kept telling me that she is singing at church and that I should come see her sing.  Everything she had talked about sounded like the church I wanted to find. But why would I want to start going to church, when I know we are moving? We had a daughter a little over a year ago that is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. A complete blend of Tony and myself and every day I thank God for her.  Although, I wasn't going to church, I still prayed quite often and I always prayed for my baby girl's well being and a lifetime of happiness.  Tony will always be my #1 love in my family, but my baby girl would be a love that I just can't explain.  I had told myself I'd start going to church once I had kids. Well, I have a baby now and I have a friend welcoming me to her church...but we hadn't moved.  I could not get past that fact, BUT I had this inner urge that just needed to be challenged.  One day, I finally got that push I needed from Tony.  He is most of the time a cool and calm sort of guy, but he has always had a temper problem.  He would break his own phone, beat on equipment that wasn't working to his liking, and driving just brought out the worst in him.  It was a bit annoying to me, but I wasn't that worried about it. Although, I had a close friend tell me to leave him (before we got married), she said that if he was like this now, then later, it would be me he was beating if he didn't get it worked out soon.  I told him this and he was truly upset, but I think a tiny light went off in his head.  He was playing online games with friends and he would cuss up a storm, so badly that he would wake me up so many times throughout the night. He never knew this, but sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep because it was more than I could handle.  I hated feeling like I had a 12 year old son out there that I was constantly having to walk out and tell him to watch his mouth and loudness.  Know that Tony and I never fight and I mean never. We had a screaming fight at a bar prior to being married about a lie he told about his bachelor party and there were a couple incidents where I gave him the silent treatment, but most of them were alcohol induced, which I hate to admit.  But in our marriage, if I am displeased or he is displeased with me, we automatically know. Nothing needs to be said, no one needs to say anything to the other. We just know.  Then we communicate later and improve.  I love that we don't fight because my last relationships were knock down, drag outs every chance we got...it was no way to live. But with Tony, I never had to worry about it...our communication was so wonderful that we could talk through anything...it is bittersweet. But Tony's anger issues were getting worse.  If he had bad luck or something didn't go his way, he start cursing and the thing that scared me was when he was trying to swaddle our daughter and got mad, he yanked on the blanket and luckily he didn't harm our baby, but it was the first time I realized my friend's prophecy could be true because of his anger issues.  I always had a great talent for calming Tony down and I'd just try to always make him laugh and it worked most of the time, but I couldn't help but feel a bit of sadness that he had this part of him.  I don't think he liked it either, but it is the way he is.  The straw for me was when he would directly yell at God and tell him to die or worse that he was going to kill him. He went through about a week of this type of yells when I pulled out the tears and broke down. I told him that it hurts me to know my husband feels this way about God. But how could I really give him advice when I didn't even go to church myself.  I told Tony that perhaps he was put in my life to bring me closer to God and he said, amazingly, that perhaps I was put in his life to bring him closer to God too.  I think at that moment, we both knew what we had to do.

Then I Met My Soul Mate

I know many people don't believe in Soul mates and honestly, I don't think I really ever did until I met mine.  My life was spent trying to be adaptable to the men I was involved with and I spent years with a few guys trying to be what they wanted me to be and when I tried to think of whether I was truly happy, it was really hard for me to know if it was because I truly was or if it was because I've convinced myself that I was because I had adapted to their loves and interests.  After my divorce and with the trust issues I had, I wasn't really sure what the future held emotionally.  I decided that I was going to be myself and if the recipient didn't like it, then they weren't for me.  When I met my soon-to-be husband, we'll call him Tony.  I had a lot of things going on that I knew I was not ready to meet the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had to learn to trust again, to love myself, and to really work on things.  I started going to church again and I found a Christian Church that was perfect. The music was amazing, the people there were about my age and very welcoming, and the sermon always felt as if he was speaking right to me. I would walk out of there with a whole new action plan for how to better myself.  I went for about 6 months, but wavered in my regularity and commitment to going.  I always had excuses.  The night I met Tony was just another night where I truly didn't appreciate 'good guys' and honestly, I really didn't think any existed.  I knew Tony was interested and I let him know that I was somewhat interested too, but the for me the timing was not so good and I'd probably end up chewing him up and spitting him out. There were other reasons that kept us from starting to date and honestly, I thank God every day that we didn't. I don't think we would have lasted.  Five months after we originally met, we were reunited with the intention of getting to know each other and it worked.  We started dating and within 8 months, we were engaged and within 14 months, we were married.  I knew I loved him right off the bat, BUT I had trust issues and I really had to work through them before I let myself go fully.  I promised Tony that I would do my best not to punish him for what my ex's had done, but I was a work in progress. From our first date, we were completely honest with each other and for the first time in my life, it was easy.  I honestly didn't realize relationships could be so easy when you found the right person.  We had so much in common and we communicated in a way that we just 'got each other' and the thought that I may have found my Soul Mate was a possibility.  I have always felt strongly about horoscopes. No, I don't live by them, but I do feel there are some strong meaningful correlations between a person's sign and their personality.  I also feel strongly about pairing up the right signs and how it affects the relationship. I don't ready my horoscope every day because they seem so general and ambiguous, but I do ask what a person's sign is when I meet them.  My last three ex's were the same sign and let's just say that their unfaithfulness was something I wanted steer clear of for the rest of my days.  When Tony and I talked, it was later realized that our signs are polar opposites from each other.  That's right, your birthday has one date that is the exact polar opposite and if the person you are with was born on that date, then you are dating your polar opposite. My sign doesn't pair that well with Tony's sign except his birth date. Not a day before or a day after would pair well with me, but luckily his birth date does. As the cliche goes, 'opposites attract' - we were the epidemy of that very saying. And honestly, we never fight, we communicate so well and almost every view or belief is the exact same.  It is truly amazing that I found him and I am happy to spend the rest of my life making him feel appreciated for taking a chance with a broken, divorced, and non-trusting girl like me.  Tony makes me feel like I'm the most amazing person in the world and even after being together for several years, he makes me feel like every day is like the first day when he looks at me. How that is possible, I'm not sure, but he does.  I love it and I love that I found him. I can say that within a year, we talked about my trust issues and there was a point in time where I told him that I completely trusted him not just in the way we look at trust, but in the way that I know he'll always be there for me and I can trust that he is my soul mate. 

Trust Issues

I do believe that every person you encounter helps to shape your life in some way. Some have bad influences and some have good ones, and it is up to you to decide whether to embrace the people you encounter. After my divorce, I really didn't think I'd be able to marry again and be trusting of the person. My trust issues had just become an obsession of mine. I didn't know if every guy could be trusted, I didn't know if any girl was my friend for the right reasons. It was an awful spot to be in and my philosophy up to this point was to kill them with kindness and they'll be your friend because you were adamant and persistent. What I didn't realize is that befriending a bad person can actually be a bad thing.  I figured if I focused on the positive side of people that our friendship would grow organically.  I was completely wrong. For the seven years I was with my ex, I had girls befriend me because they wanted the free drinks and free admission to the bars or because they wanted to be 'in' with the band.  They even befriended me to get closer to my husband.  Of course, I thought that if you kept your friends close, but your enemies closer then I would have the bird's eye view and I'd be able to know more and act when necessary.  When everything went down with my divorce, it was within days that I realized who my true friends were. It was even harder finding out that the ones who I classified as friends weren't really my genuine friends at all.  It was easy to let go of those who were not genuine, but to find out that some of the girls/guys you were confiding in turned out to be talking behind your back the entire time...well, let's just say it takes a tole on a person.  I have always had a heavy heart and have acted my whole life with my heart and not as much my mind. However, the day had come where all of that was about to change and in a big way.  I needed a rebound guy to distract me a bit and I found the perfect person. He was going through the same thing I was and we ended up being pretty good friends (with benefits) for a few months. It was the perfect thing I needed...to feel special...but with no commitments.  At the end of the day, he was a little more emotional than I can handle and his situation was a little different than mine. I had grown over a long time in loving my ex less and less until the day I left him, I was ready. I wasn't 50% ready and I wasn't 99% ready - I was 100% ready and my advice to any person trying to decide to leave their relationship, just know that unless you are 100% ready, you won't be successful at leaving without regret. Sure, there are days when I wonder what life would be like, but I have no regrets and I walked away proudly knowing I was doing the right thing.  But I developed the worst kind of trust issues...I even had a friend's husband call me man-hater and honestly, I didn't blame him. A far as friends went, I made a list and if you were on it, then you were considered a friend that I trusted and if you weren't, then I let you go and nothing was going to change my mind.  I have always had a great eye for good people, but now my tolerance for those who I knew weren't genuinely in it for me, received no leeway. It was cut and dry from that point out. I realized that you only get so much time in a day and if I spent my time wasting on someone who didn't really care about me, then it was my own fault. I needed to focus on those who loved and cared for me and so that is what I've done ever since.  For the past 5 years and I have felt great every day knowing that these are true friends and I'm blessed to have them in my life.