I'll Go to Church When I Have Kids

It is amazing how we all say things like 'I'll do something...when blah blah blah happens'. I know we all do it and I'm not sure if it is a procrastination thing or if we really plan to do something but just know the timing isn't right.  I always told myself that I'd start going to church again once I started having kids.  Tony and I had talked about finding a church once we moved too.  So we had two things that we were waiting on.  Our house was on the market and never sold and although I was disappointed, I wasn't heartbroken. I was driving over an hour and 20 minutes to work, but I wasn't heartbroken. Why was that?  Well, I'll tell you...because we found a church that we fell in love with.  A new friend of mine kept telling me that she is singing at church and that I should come see her sing.  Everything she had talked about sounded like the church I wanted to find. But why would I want to start going to church, when I know we are moving? We had a daughter a little over a year ago that is the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. A complete blend of Tony and myself and every day I thank God for her.  Although, I wasn't going to church, I still prayed quite often and I always prayed for my baby girl's well being and a lifetime of happiness.  Tony will always be my #1 love in my family, but my baby girl would be a love that I just can't explain.  I had told myself I'd start going to church once I had kids. Well, I have a baby now and I have a friend welcoming me to her church...but we hadn't moved.  I could not get past that fact, BUT I had this inner urge that just needed to be challenged.  One day, I finally got that push I needed from Tony.  He is most of the time a cool and calm sort of guy, but he has always had a temper problem.  He would break his own phone, beat on equipment that wasn't working to his liking, and driving just brought out the worst in him.  It was a bit annoying to me, but I wasn't that worried about it. Although, I had a close friend tell me to leave him (before we got married), she said that if he was like this now, then later, it would be me he was beating if he didn't get it worked out soon.  I told him this and he was truly upset, but I think a tiny light went off in his head.  He was playing online games with friends and he would cuss up a storm, so badly that he would wake me up so many times throughout the night. He never knew this, but sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep because it was more than I could handle.  I hated feeling like I had a 12 year old son out there that I was constantly having to walk out and tell him to watch his mouth and loudness.  Know that Tony and I never fight and I mean never. We had a screaming fight at a bar prior to being married about a lie he told about his bachelor party and there were a couple incidents where I gave him the silent treatment, but most of them were alcohol induced, which I hate to admit.  But in our marriage, if I am displeased or he is displeased with me, we automatically know. Nothing needs to be said, no one needs to say anything to the other. We just know.  Then we communicate later and improve.  I love that we don't fight because my last relationships were knock down, drag outs every chance we got...it was no way to live. But with Tony, I never had to worry about it...our communication was so wonderful that we could talk through anything...it is bittersweet. But Tony's anger issues were getting worse.  If he had bad luck or something didn't go his way, he start cursing and the thing that scared me was when he was trying to swaddle our daughter and got mad, he yanked on the blanket and luckily he didn't harm our baby, but it was the first time I realized my friend's prophecy could be true because of his anger issues.  I always had a great talent for calming Tony down and I'd just try to always make him laugh and it worked most of the time, but I couldn't help but feel a bit of sadness that he had this part of him.  I don't think he liked it either, but it is the way he is.  The straw for me was when he would directly yell at God and tell him to die or worse that he was going to kill him. He went through about a week of this type of yells when I pulled out the tears and broke down. I told him that it hurts me to know my husband feels this way about God. But how could I really give him advice when I didn't even go to church myself.  I told Tony that perhaps he was put in my life to bring me closer to God and he said, amazingly, that perhaps I was put in his life to bring him closer to God too.  I think at that moment, we both knew what we had to do.